New glasses

Do you like the red?

Advertisements

No matter how hard I try

I still feel this insurmountable amount loneliness. I wouldn’t say that is just part of my depression, but I’ve been feeling this way my entire life. I can be in a room full of people and still feel alone. Maybe I’m just meant to walk this world alone. I want to feel like this life is a gift, but what kind of gift makes you feel like crap all the time? I spend most of my time hiding the way I truly feel. I feel like I am living a dishonest life.

My weight

I lost 4 more pounds, which puts me around 116 lb. I went to the Erie rib Fest, so I probably gained those 4 pounds back, but I’m not going to beat myself up about it. I feel like I slim down a lot and one binge day does not define me as a failure.

Is emotional pain a good reason for assisted suicide?

I have to admit that they have been times in my life where the emotional pain was as bad as the physical pain. sometimes I feel totally isolated from the rest of Society, because of my disability. I mean they have been times in my life where I was not invited to something, because it would be too complicated to get me there or have me there. who’s to say this physical pain is more valid than emotional pain? what kind of measurements can we use to measure someone’s pain? on the flip side some emotional pain is only temporary, for example the heartbreak of losing a boyfriend or whatever heartbreak you never thought you were though. this is why so hard to pin down Pacific criteria for this sort of thing.

The right to die with dignity?

Do chronically ill patients has the right to legally end their own life? My heart and mind always split into two directions when this question is posed to me. 2 years ago I woke up screaming out of my sleep from unspeakable pain in my left knee and hip. I’d screamed with the slightest movements. Orthopedic doctors cancel my appointment before I could even see them, because there was nothing they could do surgically for my leg. Some doctors had the audacity to say that because I was unable to walk my pain wasn’t a high priority compared to someone who could walk. There was a point during that time where I just wanted Jesus to come and take me from my misery. My knee and hip made a weird popping sound and I feel better, but I still have pain from time to time. What do you do when doctors and physical therapist don’t want to work with you because you are non-ambulatory? What if there’s no cure ? To be honest I’ve had this pain throughout my life because of surgeries of the past. This last time was the worst, I didn’t think I was going to survive it. That pain seeped into my brain and change my Outlook on my life. A big part of me says that only God has the right to end life. The other part of me says I am a hypocritical jackass for judging somebody for not wanting to live through unspeakable agonizing pain.

New wheelchair

I want to be sure that this new wheelchair will be right for me. The last couple wheelchairs when I exactly a good fit. I need a wheelchair for how I drive and live. Everybody wants to push the q6 edge on me, but I know that’s not that wheelchair for me. I think Pride Mobility must give salespeople really good incentives to sell their chairs, because you don’t hear the other companies’ wheelchairs. I am currently looking into the wheelchair that quickie has out.

Sometimes I think my life would be easier if I had a penis

The things you have to go through when you’re a non-ambulatory quadriplegic. I needed to get this urine test for my doctor. I did not want to do the usual method of having a straight Cath done at the hospital, because evidently Hamot hospital doesn’t know the correct location to put the catheter. In the past my private area will be sensitive and sore for a couple of weeks. I had to call around to all of these different Laboratories and not an easy task. Try to explain to a lady why a 37 year old needs a cath beg for an infant.